Is blocking too aggressive? OK, I’m going to block, but… you have to block too. If the limerence wasn’t bad enough, there’s the whole social sensitivity thing too. Oh? You’ve unblocked – why? I might unblock to see if you need to say something to me” and so on”. How much harder to totally forget them when you see them everywhere online and begin the dance of “you block and I’ll block. Oh delete their number i used to say blithely to younger single friends after break ups. It’s the instant gratification of messaging, access to photos, even the voice of the person you’re obsessed with, and how hard it is then to detox from them. Although, actually this uncertainty can also follow a text or even letter – it’s the knowing they’ve heard from you, but having to wait anxiously for a response. – the ability to see if your LO is online fuels uncertainty ( will they message me?) and also jealousy (they’ve been online for 1 hour – who are they talking to?)Ĭyberstalking is another limerence reinforcer. – the interface of the smartphone and social media mean that this is all available and reinforcing our limerence 24/7. If you can also spend your time between encounters “preparing the ground” by posting carefully targeted messages, your whole life can be corralled into trying to impress LO. It’s bad enough rehearsing what you’re going to say or do ahead of each actual physical encounter with LO. – I also ended up only posting comments or photos with my LO and his reaction in mind. – taking on LO’s interests and likes – they are all laid out there for all to see… No incriminating traces if you’ve been careful with browsing histories. It’s just sitting there on a semi-public site for anyone to casually browse. It’s not like a personal photo, or text, or letter. Yep, it’s a database of rumination material to work with – and completely innocuous in principle. – ability to ruminate over LO by endlessly scrolling through their posts & photographs. You may even be able to track their likes and engagement and really get analytical about what they respond to. You’re feeding your subconscious the equivalent of highly refined LO sugar.Īnd yes, this feature of social media is also an opportunity for you to quietly steer your own persona towards the ideal, and casually start making them aware of your own merits. As if our brains weren’t already masters at glorifying them, the input from social media comes pre-polished to present them at their best. My SO by contrast doesn’t do SM – and that’s a trait I admire).Īuto-idealisation. (Ironically one of the things I despise most about my LO is the amount of time he spends on FB – and on bad days I can track it minute by minute. Their social media will be their “highlights”, the persona they want to project to the world. Idealising the LO / ignoring their faults. Social media also dovetails with other specific limerent traits & habits – It’s like trying to give up coffee, when your favourite pastime is hanging out with your friends in the coffee house. So browsing for LO satisfies two cravings at once, and mutually reinforces two reward-seeking habits under one impulsive behaviour. You want to seek LO for the dopamine hits, and you want to check social media for the dopamine hits. It’s like a doubling of addictive behaviours. Limerence is obviously a form of addiction and for me my EA was carried entirely out via Facebook and Messenger – tools that have been specifically designed to be inherently addictive! It’s like an accelerator pedal for limerence. It takes so much less effort now to find out about an LO’s private life. But equally, it could be a treasure trove of rumination material if they turn out to be every bit as attractive as your glimmery brain wants them to be. You could discover that they like something you hate, which cools your ardour before you’ve properly started idealising them. In principle, though, the new easy access of social media could go either way. You had to get to know them by spending time with them, or ask for their number and phone them up – which would be a much more direct indicator of romantic interest. People didn’t use to curate their life, loves and passions in an easily accessible form for limerents to obsess over. Meet someone, feel the glimmer, receive that first friend request and… access a massive database of information about their life. Social media definitely lowers the barrier to entry for nucleation. In fact, my LE would never have happened, I believe, without the ability of my LO to friend request me after our seeing each other. One aspect of modern life that particularly aggravates limerence / hinders recovery in my case, is social media.
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